Soul Searching at Winter Solstice Time, my new post on The Agora at Patheos, is available! Give it a look-see :D.
I was reading through some old notes I made after a marathon divination session with a number of Powers, Angrboda included, back in April. I felt it was important to share her rede here:
“Things fall apart, but what emerges in the wake of destruction can be generative. Learn to toil in the fields of sorrow and produce sustenance. Learn the worth of the devils in the dark.”
Now that I’m looking, I cannot help but see a connection between Angrboda’s words back in April and my recent post on hamingja and luck.
Laure Lynch over at Gate of the Slain discusses the Fehu rune spirit as a gatekeeper, among other things. My own experiences with Fehu over the last several years confirm this. I began working with runes in divination, personal alchemy (another phrase for psycho-transformation), and magic(k) in December 2008. I’ve learned a lot about all of the runes since then but over the years I have had the nagging feeling that something’s disturbingly inadequate in my rune work. Sure, I meditated on the meanings of the runes, I did in-depth divination, and I purchased the latest books on the subject. Yet and still, I was having the nagging feeling month after month that something was off.
What I knew but have only recently (since about Yule 2010) begun to realize on a deep inner level rather than just intellectually is that the runes each have their own mysteries to teach and that you can never truly unlock the secrets of one without having passed through – at least the initiatory – lessons of the rune before it. This process has nothing to do with understanding the meanings of each rune, but instead is concerned with experiencing the initiatory mysteries of each rune, having their foundational lessons etched on your consciousness and heart.
That being said, no matter how many of the runes I “learned”, my mind and my heart always returned to Fehu. She called me back. It was like when you rush past a doorman in a hurry and then they frantically yell “Ma’am, come back. You forgot to show your ID.” Or, “Ma’am, you have to pay the toll. Ma’am?!” That’s essentially what Fehu was doing to me. I’d get so far and then I would be called back to pondering her mysteries. When I realized she was really serious, I was a little irritated. I felt I had the broad strokes and a working knowledge of at least a few of her more interesting nuances; I was doing just fine. Wrong! She told me that I would not be able to “move on” until I “got it” and “gave it up”. Of course she was vague on the details at the time…as usual! In this way, Fehu served as the Gatekeeper to the rest of the Futhark. I would be banging my head against the proverbial runestone until she saw fit to release me from that agony. So, I meditated and I waited. I had to relax and accept that the knowledge of her, the Fehu rune, would come to me when I had earned it.
After a number of grueling rituals and hundreds of tears cried (none of which I consciously linked to my Fehu initiation at the time) she whispered to me. Fehu gave me insight into who I am and what I have to offer the world and others. She showed me the bounty within myself. And what did she demand in return? I had to check the anxieties and insecurities that shaped and defined me up to that point at the gate. This may seem like a lop-sided deal to the onlooker. Some of you might be saying to yourselves as you sip your tea and adjust your legs that this chick is full of it. I assure you, I am telling the truth about my Fehu epiphany, on my honor. What I gave up was no easy thing and it frankly did not have to be done. Most of us live our lives in a steadily filling pit of our own brown-black filth. That is not Fehu’s thing and she will not let you carry that crap through the gate with you in its full craptastic glory. Nope, you have to be working on cleaning house. Otherwise, all that stuff just gunks up the other runes and clogs your ears so you can’t hear them as clearly, and really what good does that kind of blockage do the rune spirits. That BS does not make for good relations!
It has been super hard learning Fehu’s lessons. Am I done? Hell to the no! I keep trying to go back to what’s comfortable, the insecurities and doubts that at one time were the troublesome foundation of my self view. When I understood this, when it was written in my mind and heart. Fehu flung open the gates and suddenly Uruz started to whisper to me. I still have my ear to the ground trying to make out his lessons and I have no doubts that he’s going to take a chisel to my soul and start hacking at the dark, calcified bits. Or more correctly, he will give me the chisel and demand I do it myself or leave my passion for the runes behind! In fact, our initial encounter was visceral, primal, feral. We have not actually graduated to words yet. More on my initial encounter with Uruz at a later date.
Hail Fehu, Persistent Lady at the Gate! Hail Uruz, Mighty Wild Aurochs, I pray you greet me well! To the journey!