So, I like divination. I used to employ Tarot cards pretty regularly, maybe a couple of times per month. Now, I use Runes most often. I read for myself on average twice per month but sometimes more if I feel particularly out of touch with the messages the gods are trying to send my way. Well, while receiving a reading from a friend and mentor, I was told that I may be using divination methods too much and that I should concentrate on using more “direct communication” methods. This seemed like a good enough interpretation of the MotherPeace cards sprawled across her coffee table on a random Friday night earlier this month. However, I was left with this strange emotional hybrid of frustration and shame. I was feeling frustrated because traditional means of effecting divine contact, in my case Runes and Tarot, my “one sure thing” – or rather more sure thing – was just poo-pooed all over in 20 minutes of Mother fucking Peace. And shame because without divination I am left looking silly standing around straining to hear divine messages that others seem to receive just fine most of the time. Why am I having the trouble? A critical question for me to ask myself right now.
The deal with me is that sometimes I hear the gods clearly, many times I hear them only partially because my own stuff is interfering with the signal, and other times I get that annoying sound that you get on land lines when you have been on the phone too long past the dial tone and need to hang up. I get that internal “hang up the phone you idiot and redial or call back later” sensation when I am stressed or emotionally fried or just generally lost, feeling a little like a kid without mom in a big ass supermarket. Divination helps with that, it seems to clear the line a bit. But, after the reading on that random Friday by the Mother Mayhem deck, I am being forced to consider that divination may have been serving as a crutch for me, reflecting some piece of my own inner issues rather than true diety personalities. Maybe it was a medium for my mental massage sessions rather than a facilitator of deity contact. Does that mean that my divination messages in the last, let’s say, 6 months have been useless? No. But it might mean that there is some genuine wisdom from deity that I am not accessing because of my own inflamed and irritated inner state, ironically these are messages that might actually offer some balm for me but I couldn’t or wouldn’t hear them at the time.
This brings me back to those feelings of shame. Shame because when I tilt my ears to heaven and listen hard, I do not always hear anything or the message is garbled. Maybe I am not worthy? If I have to strain toward the heavens and wait for a message that I may not be able to hear, that shame is going to grow and get bigger and more unwieldy because who wants to feel incapable when it comes to deity contact. I mean really, that’s not fun. Stop with divination and start with “the twisted neck, straining ear, fall on your face because you aren’t listening well enough or worse can’t hear well enough” suggestion feels like a screw you from the gods.
And now that I’m done whining, I think I need to “start over” a bit with deity contact. Somewhere along the way – my working estimate is about 6 months ago – it stopped being about truly hearing them and deepening our relationship and more about making me feel better (a bit one sided I would say). The plan is to set aside some time each day for quiet meditation/devotional practice. If I can still some of my inner storm and open to the gods, maybe they will come back to me with clear or at least clear-ish messages that can facilitate my growth so that I can be of greater service to them (a bit more reciprocal, which I favor) and, maybe…just maybe, provide me with messages that are of some use to others.
And so, with this new deal, I sit with ears tilted toward heaven awaiting the gods whispers on the wind.